Monday, May 23, 2005

Core Values

Recently, management decided we needed to re-write our company's core values completely. The process was a grueling one - starting with choosing a "Vision Committee" to work on writing the core values, followed by gathering input from several focus groups. In order to choose who would sit on the focus groups, employees' names were run through a computer, which would then pick names in a completely random fashion, in order to make it "fair". (My name wasn't picked to be on one of these focus groups, so I thought this arrangement was extremely fair.) The final result was a list of core values put together by the Vision Committee and presented to upper management, who probably threw out the committee's list in favor of core values they preferred.

All throughout the process, all employees were encouraged to add their input. Wanting to do my part, and to show my respect for the seriousness management was according to this project, I submitted to the Vision Committee the following list of Core Values which I thought would be beneficial for my company. To my surprise, none of my suggestions were used.

Angel,

Seeing as you are now on the Vision Committee, I thought I would pass along my suggestions for what our new core values should be.

Core Values

Apathy
Things aren't so bad when you don't give a rat's behind anyway.

Lethargy
How can you tell what won't take care of itself, unless you give it a chance?

Insincerity
All the benefits of actual sincerity, but without the effort.

Ambiguity
No one can hold you accountable for not meeting your objectives when they weren't sure what your objectives were in the first place.

Ignorance
You can have great morale when you don't know how bad things truly are.

Timidity
Nothing ventured, nothing gained - nothing lost either, so what's the big deal?

Delusion
If you can't be successful, at least fool yourself into thinking you are.


Note to anyone in authority who may read this email: The above parody does not represent Bill Johnson's true appraisal of [Company's Name], its management team, parent companies, clients, policies, or practices. So please don't fire him.

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5 Comments:

Blogger mr. schprock said...

Would you mind if I appropriated these nuggets to make a line of inspirational posters? Or would you insist on a percentage of the profits? If you choose the latter, prepare to have a couple of "core values" used against you.

12:41 PM  
Anonymous Sean said...

I pulled a similar stunt in my last year of high school, and it almost got me expelled. Teehee.

9:19 PM  
Blogger Johnny said...

You forgot Asset management.

Like I've been staring at the secretary's ASSets all day.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Great set a values. I was literally ROTFLMAOLSSFMMAILUAL.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Admin said...

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10:00 PM  

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