The Canine/Kitty Conundrum

There has been a debate dividing America for quite some time. It is so divisive it threatens to split our great society into two parts. That is to say, Cat People and Dog People. As a wholly impartial and rational observer to this social crisis, I feel I am in a good position to offer some clear-headed insight. My neutral position can be summarized by the following simple truth: Dogs are good, Cats are evil.

When I say cats are evil, I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill, cheat-at-Monopoly evil. I'm talking about pure, sadistic, spit-on-babies evil. Most people, especially cat owners, don't see the feline species as evil at all. But that is their plan. Their evil plan.

This stark contrast between cats and dogs can be seen in how they view their human caretakers. For example, when you get home at the end of the day, your dog happily greets you at the door, frantically jumping up and down, as if to say, "You're home! You're home! You're home! I'm so happy! I missed you so much! Don't ever go away like that again!"

Your cat, on the other hand will probably not greet you at all. You may see your cat the moment you come through the door, but that is only because bolting through the front door every time it opens is part of the planned Great Escape. Otherwise, she hardly notices your presence at all. "Oh, were you gone? Did you bring food?"

Cats take great pleasure in disrupting any activity you begin. Try sitting down to work at your computer. Your dog may come sit beside you to stare at you with great longing and admiration. "Don't mind me. I'm content to be in your wonderful presence where I can look at you." Your cat? "Going to use the computer? Great! I think I'll take a nap on the keyboard."

Cat lovers may object to this interpetation of feline behavior, citing examples where this sort of thing is cute and even affectionate. For instance, they may point out how a cat loves to rub against your shins as you walk, signaling its love for you with its purring. But don't be fooled. Your cat wants you to trip. Yes, that's right. Your cat wants to kill you. Your little feline buddy is thinking to herself, "If only we could do this at the top of the stairs. That would be cool." Is it hard to accept that these little balls of fur and whiskers are a bunch of cut-throat, wannabe murderers? Even if you cannot accept that Fluffy wants you dead, it is hard to deny that at the very least she doesn't care whether you live or die. After all, she could live off your remains for several weeks, maybe months if she doesn't have to share.

Contrast all of this to how your dog views you. You are the center of his life, the reason for his being. The death of a human owner has occasionally been known literally to throw a dog into considerable depression. To your cat, however, you are only slightly more important than the furniture. And if you're sofa ever starts dispensing food, well, there goes your spot on the totem pole.

Obedience is another advantage dogs have over cats. Even the dumbest dog will learn to come when his name is called. Not a cat. And it's not because your cat is too stupid. No, don't underestimate your cat. It's because your cat doesn't care. Even if she does recognize her name, there is no way she is going to stoop down to the level of taking orders from the likes of you.

After all of this evidence, cat enthusiasts may still try to defend these Satanic creatures by pointing out some lame supposed advantage over dogs - "But cats are clean". That's right. Instead of having a roommate who will love and obey you, as well as worship the ground upon which you walk, choose a cat. It may try to kill you, but hey, it can poop in a box.